in 1969 she identified the 5 stages of Grief and loss in her book ."On Death and Dying"
It is said that these stages are not meant to occur in any order but one would think that the 'final' stage would be the one titled 'acceptance'...a stage that 'they' say many people will never reach.
For my part there are days when i could identify movement through every single stage in a single 24 hour period...
Today marks the anniversary of my brothers departure....2 years ago we removed life support.
What stage is this?
My memories of the week leading up to that event and the moments throughout that evening are like jagged ,stabbing, horrible shards that have gouged out a bit of my heart.
But in that painful collection of wounds there is also an incredible store of warmth....a soft blanket of emotional bandage that was laid over me by the love of my friends. A group of giving human beings who stood by us that week in any way that they were able. Among that group were the few who chose to be with us at the moment that life support was removed, that the tumultuous decision making processes of that week were over and we had to face the reality of fact.
Chris was gone. He would never show up in the morning to have coffee with me again. I would never see his shit eating smart ass grin again. I would never be able to give him grief, defend myself against his incessant teasing, There would be no more singing of Rolling Stones songs with him in the kitchen I would never have the honor of listening to him try to work through his life..share his fears and insecurities , My chance to feel hopeful for him was gone...I would never have the privilege of counseling him or get to laugh with him till I thought i would wet my pants....There would never be another full on sibling battle.
What stage is this?
On September 29th, 2009 my brother was struck by a tree limb while using the chain saw up on an extension ladder. He had just phoned my mom to ask if his son Tanner could stay with her a bit longer...they had just one more branch to get down and then they would be done...she remembers telling him it was too late to keep working...that he should wait until tomorrow to finish..but he was stubborn...It was just after dusk...dark enough to need the headlights from the truck to see what they were doing. . One of his good friends and my ex husband were on the ground. He was too far up in the tree for them to see exactly what happened. In an attempted reconstruction of the accident it was said that the branch sprung into him...the chain saw hit the ground , still running before he came down tangled in the ladder. HIs leg was snapped in half and he was unconscious. He was flown to shock trauma in Baltimore. I received a phone call late that night from my dad who was already in Baltimore..."it's very serious Kate". It was determined by the neurosurgeon later that the damage was caused by the extreme velocity and whipping motion of his fall...not a strike to his skull as first thought. My brothers head injury and the resulting damage to his brain was not repairable. He would never regain consciousness.
While i feel a very strong urge to document the events of the six days that followed I find that i am not able to do so at this moment....
at some point i will come back here and work on that ...but for now i close with this..
How powerful this sense of loss.
How powerful the gifts of those who stood by us at his departure, who lifted my parents so they would not drown in their pain
How immense my gratitude for every moment that i was able to share in his life, for every memory that i desperately hold on to
How fragile we are when we stand alone
How amazing and precious the empathy created by our own pain and loss
What stage is this?
With unfathomable thanks to those who surrounded us and kept us through those days..and who still stand by us
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