The value of self - it's a little kinder this year

I recently posted about this annual 'fall epiphany' that hits me ...the need for change ..for return to the path...assessing our 'walk your talk'. I don't decide to go there, the process seems to initiate itself like clockwork for the past several years. This year it seems to be an underground process going on behind my daily grind scene.

I'm humbled and maybe a bit shocked to say that things seem pretty darn tight. In past, this evaluation could easily take me to the

very serious ' holy shit what is my purpose in life' or rather what are the many purposes of me? Am I fulfilling them? Do I have any choice in these? Are there others that I need to add to the queue? Self worth panic enter stage left! It all seems a little kinder this time. My own value doesn't seem to be such a mystery.

Don't worry....I'm fully aware of the huge array of personal growth projects that I still get to participate in and I've got quite a list for 2022 and I intend to remain 'kid in a candy store' excited about living.

I've pulled the bit below from a decade old blog post that came after teaching a value study lesson in the kids art class...it was a good reminder to myself after all of these years. I hope it holds some 'value' for some of you as well.

And so I return you to

VALUE

How is it that we gauge the value of self?

By occupation

By Proof of formal Education

By our failures

By the spectrum of our life experiences

By our physical appearance

By Income

By our successes

By the value of our partners (who are also gauging themselves)

By our position in the community

By peace of mind

By philanthropic gesture

By our friendships

By the nature of our children

or maybe

more simply

By what we feel like when we wake up each morning and as we fall asleep each night.

Like all of those beautiful and so varied colors created by the kids in their value studies our estimate of personal value will change day by day, hour by hour and sometimes moment by moment.

Fluctuations of our own colors as we move through our lives with gargantuan effort to do the right, walk the talk, leave our mark with clear conscious, full soul and hearts content

You don’t get to tell me how I feel

Talk

You don’t get endless moments 
speaking of your feelings,
the shortcomings of others 
oh so unappealing
the burden of your past ,
you’re so misunderstood
and tell me what  you’re yelling 
is for the greater good

Talk

You don’t get to tell me 
that I never speak a word,
that my point is undeserved 
my timing is bad
that my style is unproductive 
I invest too much in mad,
not to be offended by your tone, 
the jabbing finger
and tell me I’m a fool, 
letting old feelings linger

Talk

You don’t get to shove me 
with all your many words,
then give me  your own timeline
for when I can be heard,
stand up on your platform
in lengthy dissertation
expecting me look at this 
as a thing called conversation

Talk

You don’t get to rob yourself 
of what I have to say,
stomp on all my thoughts 
before they see the light of day
haul around assumptions 
of what that might have been
and accuse me in the end 
of no participation.
it’s not a competition 
that one of us must win.

You don’t get to tell me how I feel

Welcome to my shrine

of self protection

home to all the sacred faults

I hold so dear

Unknowingly assembled

by the journey of my heart

over long enabled years

so nice to see you’ve finally made it here
I wonder, did you read the invite closely
and were all of the requirements quite clear?

A need to show

your right devotion

to the sanctity of me,

Offer overtures of worship

for the privilege of your pass,

Remind me of my greatness

and my righteous place on high,

Tell me how you love me

as you look me in the eye.

Treat me oh so gently,

honor my disguise

of the parts I’ve grown unwittingly

that promise my demise.

Hide me from their ugliness

and keep them out of sight

When you’ve shown your merit,

you will have earned the right

to take them out and judge them

under cover of the night

Welcome to my shrine

of self destruction,

Built to withstand all

but truths seduction,

Cautiously invented in

the innocence of fear

So nice to see you’ve finally made it here
I wonder, did you read the invite closely
and were all of the requirements quite clear?

To be full

of reverence and wonder

for all that I’ll reveal,

force my eyes wide open,

on this woman I’ve concealed.

and knock me to my knees,

shake me to my core

heighten my awareness

unleash my power to foresee

You’ll  be the one

to raze these shields and

bring this temple down.

Unfold my spirits liberty,

and take away the heavy crown

of this frightened deity

Once I’m down and grounded

and we've torn these lies apart

the breath will come unburdened

my truth will fill this heart

Excuse me if I tremble

in your presence

your being gives me hope,

A freshened human essence

in the form new gained wisdom

from burdens now released

and of necessary difference

in my vision of the years

and a soul that lives in peace.

Self Proclamation

I saw a post on facebook just now that said something like "no one appreciates what i do until i don't do it".

My initital reaction was 'damn right , i bust my butt around this place doing all of this 'stuff' that's for other people...jobs that i don't really enjoy or want to do any more than they do ..and no one even gives a darn'

pretty harsh

and then i had to remind myself about the danger of expectation.

I still feel that one day my family will 'wake up ' and realize how much more wonderful our space is when everyone picks up after themselves, when everyone chips in and does their part..how much more leisure time we would have as a family if I weren't the only one doing the work which keeps me from getting to hang out and enjoy the company of my people more often..if i weren't spending so much time telling them all to do their chores..over and over and over again..

My expectation of this so called awakening is not realistic.

The reality is that these things are just not important to them as they are to me..while they do notice the difference between a clean house day and a disaster area day the disaster area days do not drag them down as they do me

So who am i really doing the jobs for ..

myself

When i expect others to appreciate my efforts  as much as i appreciate them I am just setting myself up for disappointment...and setting them up to be the recipients of my disappointment...and this is not fair to any of us.

When my space is clear it's easier for my head and heart to be clear...and this should be reward enough for my efforts.

I will continue to remind myself of the importance of this...of remembering that I value my own efforts and that there is a very important reason for my work...it is satisfying to me...no matter how mundane it may seem.


It is possible that one day my kids will arrive at a point where they also appreciate their own efforts just for themselves and not for me or anyone else..

blocked

well...day 21 of no smoking..the first 18 days also had no caffeine...yesterday and this morning i had one cup of coffee ..which i didn't finish and didn't even taste very nice..

my family has suffered a bit as i have attempted to move through this transition successfully and with as much grace as possible..

but the mornings have been far from grace filled...a general state of angst hits at some point..

i spend lots of time repeatedly reviewing in my mind..(and often a loud much to the dismay of those around me at the time )  the many reasons why quitting is a gift.

-I no longer have to apologize for smelling like an ash tray  as I am hugging my friends.
-My car doesn't reek of smoke any more
-I don't have to walk around with a collection of breath mints and essential oils to attempt to hide the stink
-i don't have to feel guilty about my kids knowing i am smoking
-i don't have to be embarrassed about disgusting ashtrays full of butts on the front porch
-i can take a deep breath....first week i could deeply inhale only to the count of 5..now, at the close of week 3 i can deep breathe to 8...minor?  maybe but it's a keen reminder that the changes in your body happen immediately
-my skin feels better..and i think looks better all ready...my color is better...the dry skin is lessening..
-i have so much more time ..all of those moments when i was stopping to smoke are now put to better use just getting things done..some of that is me distracting myself from thinking about smoking..shoot i even cleaned out the 'junk drawer' ..go figure..
-and last but surely not least..I am not spending $200 bucks a month on that crap..yes, a pack a day is where i was ..that's $7 bucks a day...@$50 bucks a week...

my creative juices don't seem to be flowing very well..have stopped several times over past weeks to try to put out some new poetry ..but it's not happening..

for now, i will gladly take this temporary 'block time' to focus on not being a smoker...
the creativity will return eventually!!

Value

V A L U E

such an enormous word....covering so much territory

a few weeks ago I entered into the 'value' lesson with my home school art students...it was a wonderful class...the concept of 'value in color' was introduced in the simplest of terms..increasing value by adding black and decreasing value by adding white..we did a really fun demo together up on the board...working with a primary to see how many shades we could create of higher value..and then moved towards lesser value..going as far down the scale as we could until the value was so very low that you could barely discern it from white...

Then they chose their own color to use and did the same project on their own...each with varying results of course but some of the value studies that came out of it were really beautiful..

I recently posted about this annual 'fall epiphany' that hits me ...the need for change ..for return to the path...a get back to 'walk your talk' .  I have been hard at it..bringing things back into my life over the past few weeks that i had let slip and giving the proverbial boot to some things that I had let gain footing...

During this process I have been plagued with a very serious ' holy shit what is my purpose in life'...or rather what are the many purposes of me?  Am I fulfilling them?  Do I have any choice in these?  Are there others that I need to add to the queue?

And so I return you to

VALUE

How is it that we gauge the value of self?

By occupation
By Proof of formal Education
By our failures
By the spectrum of our life experiences
By our physical appearance
By Income
By our successes
By the value of our partners (who are also gauging themselves)
By our position in the community
By peace of mind
By philanthropic gesture
By our friendships
By the nature of our children

or maybe

more simply

By what we feel like when we wake up each morning and as we fall asleep each night.

Like all of those beautiful and so varied colors created by the kids in their value studies our estimate of personal value  will change day by day, hour by hour and sometimes moment by moment. 

Fluctuations of our own colors as we move through our lives with gargantuan effort to do the right, walk the talk, leave our mark with clear conscious, full soul and hearts content

creeping in

Oh the bullshit of creeping self doubts.

One strong human trying to figure out why this comes. 

One of many I could suppose.

Choices made.

Battles chosen.

Stands taken.

Consequences weighed.

In the name of good.

Towards higher purpose than self.

Time moves on.

Strength waxes and wanes.

Battered by the elements of our humanity.

Self reflection.

The bullshit of self doubt.