All of those beautiful people on the streets with their little glossy gift bags..streets filled with balloons and glittering lights...shop stoops spilling over with the luring temptations to be found inside ..patios and tables adorned with festive umbrella's and dark windows decorated with the silhouettes of happy diners taking in each others company in a rich and luxurious fashion.
I wonder...
tomorrow will they have to choose between paying the electric bill or paying for the brake job on the car?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sun, Moon, Season and getting a grip....
I'd like to think that I move through my life with a sense of connectedness to the greater world....our planet ...our place in the galaxy, the universe...both physically and spiritually...
So how is it that i can still be surprised by the wake up call that occurs with the change of each season?
I find this 'wake up call' to be at it's most insistent at the onset of Autumn each year. It takes me a week or two to realize that my general state dissatisfaction, my antsy stirrings, that nutty feeling that I am missing something but am not sure what the hell it is, all stems from this shift.
Then ensues a mental scramble to make changes happen....to grab back up those things that I have let slide..those things that help me love myself, that move me, that put me in a place closer to wholeness. Sadly, I am finding that the more years that i have under my belt the more difficult and overwhelming it seems to collect myself up and step back onto this path.
The truth is that I allow myself to get caught up in the things that are right in front of my face, on my calendar, in my check book...a sort of urgent short sightedness just to get through the days 'having done what was needed' for those people in my charge. If i were to evaluate as the days and weeks fly by i would have to confess that there are many times when my entire focus was just about feeding and housing our tiny diverse tribe. I feel myself moving at a speed that somehow does not allow for peace...am i moving any faster then everyone else? Certainly not...and yet I see those around me skillfully arranging time in their lives for self-fulfillment and self nourishment. There is an art to this arranging that I have consistently been inconsistent with.
My logical brain tells me that the creation of this time is essential to my well being ..and that through this creation and the resulting increase in my well being I will have more to offer..more energy, more peace, more vibrancy, and most likely, more happiness
Sure, I have moments, I am overwhelmed by the sight of our Bald Eagles, I feel moved by our sunrises and sunsets, marvel at the incredible pallet that surrounds me, am invigorated by the power of our Bay and cherish my time out there....I've read some good books lately, done a bit of writing, thrown out a few paintings....but there is something missing...It just sort of seems that i am stealing these moments...that there is always something else hovering over my shoulder nagging at me that 'it' should be the focus of my energy instead...
I would like to see myself as the sort of person who commands a great deal of self determination....enough of that determination to add some fleshier ducks to my row....to have Autumn burgeon in years to come and to realize that I have already heeded the wake up call and have no need for the urgent scramble..
On our little planet spinning around at about 994mph.... flying around the sun at about 67,000 mph in a galaxy that wings through the universe at about 490,000 mph is it really any wonder that it seems like our moments move too quickly?
So how is it that i can still be surprised by the wake up call that occurs with the change of each season?
I find this 'wake up call' to be at it's most insistent at the onset of Autumn each year. It takes me a week or two to realize that my general state dissatisfaction, my antsy stirrings, that nutty feeling that I am missing something but am not sure what the hell it is, all stems from this shift.
Then ensues a mental scramble to make changes happen....to grab back up those things that I have let slide..those things that help me love myself, that move me, that put me in a place closer to wholeness. Sadly, I am finding that the more years that i have under my belt the more difficult and overwhelming it seems to collect myself up and step back onto this path.
The truth is that I allow myself to get caught up in the things that are right in front of my face, on my calendar, in my check book...a sort of urgent short sightedness just to get through the days 'having done what was needed' for those people in my charge. If i were to evaluate as the days and weeks fly by i would have to confess that there are many times when my entire focus was just about feeding and housing our tiny diverse tribe. I feel myself moving at a speed that somehow does not allow for peace...am i moving any faster then everyone else? Certainly not...and yet I see those around me skillfully arranging time in their lives for self-fulfillment and self nourishment. There is an art to this arranging that I have consistently been inconsistent with.
My logical brain tells me that the creation of this time is essential to my well being ..and that through this creation and the resulting increase in my well being I will have more to offer..more energy, more peace, more vibrancy, and most likely, more happiness
Sure, I have moments, I am overwhelmed by the sight of our Bald Eagles, I feel moved by our sunrises and sunsets, marvel at the incredible pallet that surrounds me, am invigorated by the power of our Bay and cherish my time out there....I've read some good books lately, done a bit of writing, thrown out a few paintings....but there is something missing...It just sort of seems that i am stealing these moments...that there is always something else hovering over my shoulder nagging at me that 'it' should be the focus of my energy instead...
I would like to see myself as the sort of person who commands a great deal of self determination....enough of that determination to add some fleshier ducks to my row....to have Autumn burgeon in years to come and to realize that I have already heeded the wake up call and have no need for the urgent scramble..
On our little planet spinning around at about 994mph.... flying around the sun at about 67,000 mph in a galaxy that wings through the universe at about 490,000 mph is it really any wonder that it seems like our moments move too quickly?
Friday, October 7, 2011
territorial human creatures
We are all, unavoidably, by nature,
While some may, over time, fine tune their skill at tempering this instinct it is always there lurking beneath.
It is the cause of all strife....our claims of ownership in religion, our higher power, our land, our relationships and yes, our grief.
Even in my use of the word 'our' this is identified.
In these past few days of recollection and acute memory I have found this realization at the surface of my thoughts.
My anger, at first seemingly unexplained, I now believe is rooted in this territorial ground.
I have found myself scrutinizing the memories of others for accuracy, downplaying the role that they held in his life with an internal sneer and a sharp critical eye.
A visceral protection of my memories of Chris and my relationship with him. A need to place my memory and loss 'above' that of everyone else....
Logic and compassion tell me that this is not a truth and yet there it is.
Some days my own humanity is startling to me.
While some may, over time, fine tune their skill at tempering this instinct it is always there lurking beneath.
It is the cause of all strife....our claims of ownership in religion, our higher power, our land, our relationships and yes, our grief.
Even in my use of the word 'our' this is identified.
In these past few days of recollection and acute memory I have found this realization at the surface of my thoughts.
My anger, at first seemingly unexplained, I now believe is rooted in this territorial ground.
I have found myself scrutinizing the memories of others for accuracy, downplaying the role that they held in his life with an internal sneer and a sharp critical eye.
A visceral protection of my memories of Chris and my relationship with him. A need to place my memory and loss 'above' that of everyone else....
Logic and compassion tell me that this is not a truth and yet there it is.
Some days my own humanity is startling to me.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Elsabeth Kubler-Ross...the stages of grief
in 1969 she identified the 5 stages of Grief and loss in her book ."On Death and Dying"
It is said that these stages are not meant to occur in any order but one would think that the 'final' stage would be the one titled 'acceptance'...a stage that 'they' say many people will never reach.
For my part there are days when i could identify movement through every single stage in a single 24 hour period...
Today marks the anniversary of my brothers departure....2 years ago we removed life support.
What stage is this?
My memories of the week leading up to that event and the moments throughout that evening are like jagged ,stabbing, horrible shards that have gouged out a bit of my heart.
But in that painful collection of wounds there is also an incredible store of warmth....a soft blanket of emotional bandage that was laid over me by the love of my friends. A group of giving human beings who stood by us that week in any way that they were able. Among that group were the few who chose to be with us at the moment that life support was removed, that the tumultuous decision making processes of that week were over and we had to face the reality of fact.
Chris was gone. He would never show up in the morning to have coffee with me again. I would never see his shit eating smart ass grin again. I would never be able to give him grief, defend myself against his incessant teasing, There would be no more singing of Rolling Stones songs with him in the kitchen I would never have the honor of listening to him try to work through his life..share his fears and insecurities , My chance to feel hopeful for him was gone...I would never have the privilege of counseling him or get to laugh with him till I thought i would wet my pants....There would never be another full on sibling battle.
What stage is this?
On September 29th, 2009 my brother was struck by a tree limb while using the chain saw up on an extension ladder. He had just phoned my mom to ask if his son Tanner could stay with her a bit longer...they had just one more branch to get down and then they would be done...she remembers telling him it was too late to keep working...that he should wait until tomorrow to finish..but he was stubborn...It was just after dusk...dark enough to need the headlights from the truck to see what they were doing. . One of his good friends and my ex husband were on the ground. He was too far up in the tree for them to see exactly what happened. In an attempted reconstruction of the accident it was said that the branch sprung into him...the chain saw hit the ground , still running before he came down tangled in the ladder. HIs leg was snapped in half and he was unconscious. He was flown to shock trauma in Baltimore. I received a phone call late that night from my dad who was already in Baltimore..."it's very serious Kate". It was determined by the neurosurgeon later that the damage was caused by the extreme velocity and whipping motion of his fall...not a strike to his skull as first thought. My brothers head injury and the resulting damage to his brain was not repairable. He would never regain consciousness.
While i feel a very strong urge to document the events of the six days that followed I find that i am not able to do so at this moment....
at some point i will come back here and work on that ...but for now i close with this..
How powerful this sense of loss.
How powerful the gifts of those who stood by us at his departure, who lifted my parents so they would not drown in their pain
How immense my gratitude for every moment that i was able to share in his life, for every memory that i desperately hold on to
How fragile we are when we stand alone
How amazing and precious the empathy created by our own pain and loss
What stage is this?
With unfathomable thanks to those who surrounded us and kept us through those days..and who still stand by us
It is said that these stages are not meant to occur in any order but one would think that the 'final' stage would be the one titled 'acceptance'...a stage that 'they' say many people will never reach.
For my part there are days when i could identify movement through every single stage in a single 24 hour period...
Today marks the anniversary of my brothers departure....2 years ago we removed life support.
What stage is this?
My memories of the week leading up to that event and the moments throughout that evening are like jagged ,stabbing, horrible shards that have gouged out a bit of my heart.
But in that painful collection of wounds there is also an incredible store of warmth....a soft blanket of emotional bandage that was laid over me by the love of my friends. A group of giving human beings who stood by us that week in any way that they were able. Among that group were the few who chose to be with us at the moment that life support was removed, that the tumultuous decision making processes of that week were over and we had to face the reality of fact.
Chris was gone. He would never show up in the morning to have coffee with me again. I would never see his shit eating smart ass grin again. I would never be able to give him grief, defend myself against his incessant teasing, There would be no more singing of Rolling Stones songs with him in the kitchen I would never have the honor of listening to him try to work through his life..share his fears and insecurities , My chance to feel hopeful for him was gone...I would never have the privilege of counseling him or get to laugh with him till I thought i would wet my pants....There would never be another full on sibling battle.
What stage is this?
On September 29th, 2009 my brother was struck by a tree limb while using the chain saw up on an extension ladder. He had just phoned my mom to ask if his son Tanner could stay with her a bit longer...they had just one more branch to get down and then they would be done...she remembers telling him it was too late to keep working...that he should wait until tomorrow to finish..but he was stubborn...It was just after dusk...dark enough to need the headlights from the truck to see what they were doing. . One of his good friends and my ex husband were on the ground. He was too far up in the tree for them to see exactly what happened. In an attempted reconstruction of the accident it was said that the branch sprung into him...the chain saw hit the ground , still running before he came down tangled in the ladder. HIs leg was snapped in half and he was unconscious. He was flown to shock trauma in Baltimore. I received a phone call late that night from my dad who was already in Baltimore..."it's very serious Kate". It was determined by the neurosurgeon later that the damage was caused by the extreme velocity and whipping motion of his fall...not a strike to his skull as first thought. My brothers head injury and the resulting damage to his brain was not repairable. He would never regain consciousness.
While i feel a very strong urge to document the events of the six days that followed I find that i am not able to do so at this moment....
at some point i will come back here and work on that ...but for now i close with this..
How powerful this sense of loss.
How powerful the gifts of those who stood by us at his departure, who lifted my parents so they would not drown in their pain
How immense my gratitude for every moment that i was able to share in his life, for every memory that i desperately hold on to
How fragile we are when we stand alone
How amazing and precious the empathy created by our own pain and loss
What stage is this?
With unfathomable thanks to those who surrounded us and kept us through those days..and who still stand by us
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Prone and Pressed ; a testament to my husband
Have I lain here just a moment or all of the moments since I came to be
And if I were to count them, how many those moments?
Prone and pressed into the warmth of the earth beneath
My eyes wide open to the spangled light above
Our roots running, tangled , deep
The willing captured audience of these trees
I am Silent in knowing what they hold
I Listen;
Listen to rustled whispers of their truth
They speak
Of tumultuous storm, flood and fire and of death
They speak
Of the fierce struggle for each to stand tall and thrive
THEIR FEARS
They speak
Of life and growth, sun and seeds
Of the beautiful music of moving in unison on the breeze
Of the peace of standing side by side in the stillness
THEIR HOPES
They speak
I listen; Listen to rustled whispers of YOUR truth
Prone and pressed into the warmth of the earth beneath
My eyes wide open to the spangled light ahead
I shed my hopeful tears to YOU
In gratitude for what I hear
They Listen;
It is because they listen I am not afraid to speak
these soft whispers of MY own truth
I speak
Of expectations and letting go
Of children’s struggles
Of self doubt, loneliness, disease
And death
MY FEARS
I speak
Of long futures, bright dreams and courage
Of the promise and pride in our partnership
Of children
Of Peace through love and learning
MY HOPES
I speak
You listen; to the not always soft whispers of My truth
Prone and pressed into the warmth of the earth beneath
We are these trees, you and I
Our roots running , tangled , deep
Held in the spangled light from above
Willing captives in this beautiful immense forest of life
We listen
And I am not afraid
The Soul Feeds another old bit reposted
THE SOUL FEEDS
I stand alone in my wisdom, resolute and sure
Have you ever been this empty
Beautiful and powerful beyond measure
There is nothing, can’t you see
Have you ever been this empty
My soul is missing…I am hollow
There is nothing, can’t you see
I hide it well, no one can know
My soul is missing…I am hollow
Those around me all in need
I hide it well, no one can know
They clamor about me just to feed
Those around me all in need
Aching heart knows not what for
They clamor about me just to feed
No rest will come ‘till it has more
Aching heart knows not what for
The never ending hunt and gather
No rest will come ‘till it has more
Feed my soul, is all the matter
The never ending hunt and gather
Somewhere, someone fill me please
Feed my soul, is all the matter
The ache to lessen by degree
Somewhere someone fill me please
Your soul, perhaps it overflows
The ache to lessen by degree
See, you’ve more, you’ll never know
Your soul, perhaps it overflows
I’ll lean on you and take it in
Abundant, yours, you’ll never know
And full of yours to live begin
I’ll lean on you and take it in
But something here…it is my own
And full of yours to live begin
With waiting, searching it has grown
But something here..it is my own
Beautiful and powerful beyond measure
Beautiful and powerful beyond measure
With waiting, searching it has grown
I stand alone in my wisdom, resolute and sure
no peace
No peace
No peace
No peace
These angry voices take its place
destroyers of solace
Creators of irritation
Tiny pin pricks of discontent
Suspect
That they may take up residence
Stirring rancor where there once was none
No peace
No peace
No peace
Darkest shadows rolling in
To suffocate what could have been
Sequestered screams that
Loom and threat
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